Forty and Feeling Fab, or Mostly Just Feeling





If I would have met my current self now as a young woman, I would have pitied her. I am unmarried, no children, don't own a home, and have an unstable career. And realized I'm not sure if I ever wanted those things but somehow convinced myself I did.


Last week was my birthday and solar return and not just any but my 40th! It's a day I may have dreaded for most of my 30s and I'm not really sure why other than this looming deadline of feeling older. It feels tricky to separate out what I want and what I've been convinced to want. If I turn to society for assurance then my life seems sad...I am single and have two cats. If I turn to my soul there is contentment and beauty in my freedom.


I spent my 30th birthday watching a solar eclipse over the ocean and this one I celebrated even more...12-course meals, a slumber party, group gardening, and a party party. At the beginning of the weekend I was ready for it to be over, by Sunday evening I felt so loved and celebrated something cracked open. Either way this birthday has been a process of reflection and in that a lot of grief.


The past several years have been difficult financially and emotionally with what has felt like endless health issues and with it tons of bills. I've remembered all the people and loved, those who couldn't see me and I couldn't see myself, those I worked so hard to be loved by. And those whom I couldn't let in the love they offered. All the times I left myself to be loved, forsaken my own personal power to be liked.


I read somewhere that women gain more confidence with every year in their 30s, at almost 40 I finally feel a glimpse of that part of myself. When I look at the first part of my life and 30s it has been punctuated by working so hard to be liked. In doing so investing in people who couldn't see me and never would. The past year has been marked by a contentedness at my life, I sometimes grieve my life hasn't turned our so far how I imagined, but I have never felt so connected to my soul or life purpose.


Study after study has named that unmarried and childless women are the happiest subset group of people. And to be in this magical group I can confirm. Of course I thought I would be married and have children by 40, am I sad it didn't happen that way? Sometimes, but mostly I really enjoy my life as is. I have slow mornings staring at the trees and birds outside my window, I have time for the things I love, a great social life, and my psychic energy stays with me. It is uncomplicated and sensual and I feel truly beautiful.


While I have no idea what this decade will bring I feel ready to face it with more tenderness, vulnerability, and compassion for myself and others.