I spend a lot of time with astrology clients taking about the meaning and purpose of their lives, and I've always felt that we can't really know. Perhaps we each have a unique legacy to give that also fits inside of a collective telos. Or maybe we create our own purpose and live into it--though I'm less inclined to think that as I think our soul whispers to us this direction.
Since the pandemic hit I've never felt more the fragility and vulnerability of being alive. To be constantly overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time, to feel the void of being human and existential dread of existing. (Or is that just me?) Day in and day out life lacks luster and then one day you can crack open again into why we exist on this floating marble in a cosmos 17 billion years old and find a sense of purpose.
Yesterday in the midst of my own tenderness and overwhelm, I saved someone's life and my heart was broken more than I ever thought possible. I'm sharing this because it was so beautiful and intense that I don't know what to do with it.
My nervous system still reeling, someone else's blood still stained on my skin and clothes, and the awe of being so grateful to have been there. Comforting him and holding his hand. Yelling at someone to call 911 and getting someone else to block traffic.
Rolling him onto his back to protect his spine and using a stranger's wet wipes to compress blood. Choking back tears and vomit through my mask while using a jacket under his head. Alternating asking him questions, breathing together, and telling him dumb jokes to keep him conscious until the ambulance arrived.
My heart broke every time he apologized to me and I had to say over and over again that I was so glad I could be there. Whatever grace of God/Goddess, Cosmos, Synchronicity, or Universe I knew exactly what to do. If this moment was the meaning of my entire life, it would be enough. It would be enough to know that when it counts the most, I can offer all of me to someone I don't know and will probably never see again.
That I can love someone so deeply and unconditionally and yet struggle to see my own light. I felt beyond myself in this moment, knowing I was the perfect person to be there. All of the disappoints of my own life and complacency about where I am and what I'm doing feel so far away.
My heart reminded that if all I do is keep this raw, beautiful soul open...that is enough. If I keep looking for moments to be of service and love more deeply and vulnerability...that is enough. And in this enough-ness is the meaning of life or at least my life today.