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I've often found myself attracted to people whom I pity. Pulled to those whom also feel wounded in some way that I can relate to. Be it the overly concerned with others, the sense of apologizing for existing, or wanting to be saved in some way. Sometimes these aspects of self being mirrored back are too painful to witness and other times my heart opens wide to help--often in cases attempting to save. Yearning to be a cheerleader for others with the feeling of lack.
Somehow it feels safer to focus externally rather than on myself, to orbit others and get caught up in them and what they think of me. Easier to see the pain of others than be with my own. Orbiting other people as an escape from seeing myself. Over time I've attributed these qualities in me to the archetype of Chiron, and an asteroid/meteor next to my Sun in my natal chart. Astrologically Chiron in our chart shows us the places we hold pain and a sense of unlovability.
Chiron shows us the ugly places we confront over and over again as our major life lessons not meant to go away, but continue while we walk wounded as perfect, whole spiritual beings and imperfect, flawed humans.
This post feels difficult to write, an amalgamation and exposure of so many places of suffering in my psyche. A part or pattern of being that I want to hide and yet it has become me. Blended to my being...a vast Sun-Chiron complex I'm still struggling to understand and untangle. Yet the wound to my sense of self never going unnoticed and often takes me over in a way that requires my daily diligence.
In astrology when Chiron touches the Sun as with other themes of self-abandonment, our sense of self, becomes impacted and without a healthy ego that can manifest as lack of confidence, confusion about our purpose in life, unclear how to express ourselves authentically, struggling with self-love, disbelief around our creativity, or issues with authority figures of pedestalizing.
We may play out dynamics with others where we feel unseen or unheard and perhaps even ignored by others. It's a painful cycle of relating that I don't believe ever fully goes away but can evolve into something different. Rather than striving for the impossibility of perfection, it showcases the fragility of being human. In my case this knowing has shown up as an intense sensitivity towards my pain and others. While it may have an ego fragility, it also cultivates vigilance towards the wounds in myself and others. Wanting to be a safe haven for others pain...though that task seeming impossible when I don't feel seen by them.
Symptoms of an activated Chiron with over-functioning or under-functioning ego:
self-abandonment both as dependence/codependency or withdrawn/escapist tendencies
self-rejection and disgust
Giving too much and attempting to be all things to all people
self-pity and emptiness of pain
feeling that something is wrong and needs fixing, not enough
taking on "projects" who are people to distract from own pain
untrusting of ourselves and others
feeling like a victim of circumstances such as diseases or bad luck, attempts to arouse pity
attempting to merge with others to feel needed
talking about oneself to make up for insecurity
lack of self-respect
perfectionism, wanting to be seen as god-like
keeping distance from others so they don't see our wounds, then feeling lonely
Despite the title of this post, I don't have the answers of how to fix or heal Chiron or other Sun problems--though I wish I did. Ultimately, Chiron allows us to alchemize our soul wound into our superpower. We have to contact our worst parts before we can discover our best. Instead solutions arise in gaining more self-confidence whether it be through clarity around life purpose, finding our innate creativity, or having more fun in general. This planetary combination requires us to learn better skills for staying centered in ourselves. Our healing becomes tied to not playing out the fears of abandonment and self-abandonment but staying centered in ourselves. Chiron's orbit in our solar system is wonky, that doesn't mean ours needs to take the same shape.
Chiron asks us to become our own healers first and foremost, to trust our healing capacity and healing process. My own Chiron requires a daily noticing of the symptoms above and doing my best to keep my confidence high enough that I can function normally without collapsing too much into self-pity. It helps me to notice people where it is more difficult for me to stay in myself and either move towards them for forced healing or away when I've learned enough.
I feel my holy wound everyday that desires to celebrate others in their expression and yet also wants to feel adored in mine. Though now I realize no one else can adore or respect me unless I'm doing the same for myself. That I can't heal physically for my chronic health issues unless I'm first and foremost willing to be my own healer. Rather than pity myself and others, I can remember the sensitivity and compassion that Sun-Chiron offers me.