I used to be a hopeless romantic, listening to love songs and pining for a soulmate and a relationship filled with bliss, perfection, and harmony. My ideal love was someone who made me feel complete and proved dreams did come true. I trusted someday I would find my prince charming. And I did, I met him almost seven years ago to the day.
We had a whirlwind romance, our first dated started with us planting strawberries and ended four days later when he finally left my apartment. I had never been “in love” before and I loved everything about it. I loved how he would reach for my hand even when we were only going a few blocks to dinner. I loved watching him wash dishes in my apartment and the way he smelled. I loved his laugh and how I felt like the best version of myself around him. I loved our evening walks around my neighborhood to watch the sunset. I had never been happier-- it was everything I had always wanted.
“I loved you so hard that I softened.”~Upile
Like many un-grounded love stories, mine ended in a most dramatic and romantic way--me dropping him off at the airport for his flight to Mongolia to join the Peace Corps for the next few years. I will never forget his face as he turned away with tears in his eyes to tell me he loved me. I was so distraught I got in a car accident on the car ride on the way home. I swore I would wait for him to return and swore I would never find a love like that again.
My heart broke and I sobbed for months barely getting out of bed. A few weeks later I saw a picture of him on Facebook with his arm around another girl and I knew he had moved on. I began to hate romantic love, dismissing it as hormones and a trap for the unintelligent. I told myself romantic love was childish and a waste of time, as I had things to do that didn’t involve men. So instead, I worked, traveled, and moved to San Francisco to get my graduate degree.
Meanwhile my sister and many friends got married and I secretly judged them for being so ordinary. How dull to want a husband or a boyfriend! How normal and uninteresting! I prided myself on being so independent…of being a virgin, unowned by any man. I kept my heart protected and in turn dated a slew of emotionally, heart-closed, unavailable men in the process.
“I know you’re afraid of getting your heart hurt. But if you’re not in the game participating as somebody who could get their heart hurt, you’re a heart hurter.” ~Nicole Daedone
Romantic love still frightens me, I feel suspicious of strong feelings/love and lust. Afraid I will lose myself again for another and self-abandon. I fear I will become what they want me to become instead of staying true to myself. And also if I’m true to my Enneagram 4 tendencies, I will project my romantic fantasies and divine ideals onto someone and then be disappointed in all their flaws and bored to tears.
With Venus recently moving into Pisces and conjunct the planet Neptune (it is exact on March 20, the Equinox), we have a double dose of possible delusion when it comes to love. I often think of planets as a spectrum of expression with one side being the healthier version and the far other side as the more detrimental. Venus’ spectrum includes everything from feelings to the heart and the experience of love to the shadow side of objectifying oneself for love or staying superficial surface level. Neptune spans illusions and dreams all the way to the spiritual dimension and oneness with all of being.
“We return to each other waves, this is how water loves.” ~Nayyirah Waheed
With those two planets together the possibilities are many including that we may not see people or relationships clearly or the gates of our hearts may come flooding open. With Chiron and Ceres conjunct in Pisces it offers an ideal time for healing the wounds of romantic love from the past and a new opportunity to self-parent in relationships. Perhaps it also allows us to heal our hearts and refuel the romantic in all of us. Here are some things to remember during what could be a confusing romantic time:
Stay present: It's easy to get excited about a new romantic opportunity, keep realistic tabs on what phase of romance you are currently in (e.g. dating, friends, etc.) and what you want. This will keep focused and grounded on yourself without dissipating your energy by focusing on another.
Be you: Often times when I met someone I like, I attempt to figure out the type of person they like and then become more like that. Now, I do my best to be me...the quirky, intelligent crazy cat lady with a big heart.
Feel, don't think: It is easy to over analyze with romantic relationships, but this is often a way to protect and stay out of our hearts. Thoughts we can control...emotions are often larger and require our attention to stay balanced. Judgment and nitpicking are ways to know you are in your head versus your heart.
Seven years since my heart broke, it is broken open once again and I remember I’m a lover. Like Venus, I reek and ooze of love. There is nothing I want more than my heart to be met fully in love. To remain a virgin whole unto myself while allowing the deepest penetration and intimacy. I want a love that goes the distance and heals these perceived wounds of un-loveability. One that frees me from my own perceptions of vulnerability. I yearn to get lost in a way that allows me to surrender without illusion. To be love and be loved so much that it hurts. I want love to flow through me like a river…and then like an ocean.
One of the great paradoxes of romantic love is that it never produces human relationship as long as it stays romantic."~Robert Johnson
This is the healthy expression of Venus and Neptune together--to allow love to flow in and out of our lives. To fully see someone and be seen with the lenses of both illusion and reality. To love in a way without abandoning or losing ourselves. It is worshiping our lovers as both divine and human and reclaiming our relationship to being romantics (without the “hopeless” part).