This past year has been full of grieving all the ways throughout my life I have betrayed myself into believing the myth of my own unworthiness. The places I've put my worth only to realize the inevitable wreckage I've constellated in relating, my business, and the way I live my life.
My life now seems defined by each decade through how, who, and where I found my worth.
In my teens I believed getting good grades and being liked by others were the only way for me to find my value in the world. Even before then my teenage years were shaped by getting good grades, achieving, staying happy, and easy going. Throughout my 20s my value and worth were found in the way I look and my desirability/likeability by others. I focused on earning my value through good jobs, winning beauty pageants, and getting people to like me. My mid-thirties started to change that, but I still found myself in unhealthy dynamics with others who didn't seem to value me except for perhaps how I made them feel.
The past six months have been a subtle stripping away of all the things that I thought--or others/society told me--gave my life value and worth. Here is the tally of false egoic wrappings I found myself in the past and am slowly but surely shedding:
appearance-getting older, value in youth
material possessions and money
career success-large IG following
who I know
approval from others
But it's the shame that gets me the most...the shame that perhaps there is nothing of value within me and so I can only find it through something external. I look deeply and see the false wrappings of worthiness created by childhood trauma of being bullied, of feeling abandoned, of having such high standards I could never live up to. Without self-worth, I've become more and more constantly at the whim of the things around me rather than my own light.
Over the years my body has become weaker and weaker as if my life force non-existent can't seem to find itself. I have needed to strip away everything I don't have...to find who I am and find others who value me for me, not who I am for them or what I have that looks good. As things have shed, I come back to the remembering that I'm worthy because I exist...a powerful truth that perhaps I wasn't ready for in my youth before middle age.
I'm a top-down type, things need to be ideas before they can integrate into my body and soul. And while on a level I knew I was doing this, I couldn't quite find the shift internally until now. Intellectually I knew the symptoms of low self-worth such as:
comparing ourselves to others to see how we stack up
poor personal boundaries and saying yes when you mean no
self-doubt or self-deprecation
difficult to receive love and care from others or ask for what you need
put what others needs above your own or try to save them--martyr complex
settle for less than what you want in relationships or jobs
value what other people think more than your own opinions
difficult for you to feel like your authentic self with others
feel others pity you a desire to be saved
unable to speak up and name or even know your own needs
lack of purpose
difficulty being close with others and tend to be defensive or blaming
struggle with addictions
My inherent worth as a person deserves to be respected and loved just as I am without checking any of the boxes above.
I regret all the time I spent attempting to prove to others my worth or not owning my value. I get to decide my value and worth and do my best not to get up in the comparison or societal messages about what that looks like as a woman of my age or in general. But also realizing all the defenses we create for low self-worth. The lower the self-worth the more defenses-reaction-formations we may participate in.
I've realized when we don't value ourselves, we can't value others. We don't need to be "seen" by others, only seen by ourselves. This is the personal power I've been missing that now I get to set an internal measure for myself.
Archetypally I believe Chiron reveals the places of wounded worth...the false things we attach to rather than our own inherent divine worth. It's the Christ consciousness in all of us that also reveals itself through our insecurities and pedestalizing of others. The placement of Chiron reveals the place we need more self-love and value. With my Chiron in Taurus next to my Sun, I identified with my value being in my relationships. So I've spent most of my life chasing people who won't choose me, friends, whose love I have to earn, or those who can't see me because I'm not seeing myself.
Another important aspect of self-worth is setting and working towards personal goals. This can help you feel a sense of accomplishment and purpose, which can in turn boost your self-esteem. It's important to choose goals that are meaningful and aligned with your values, as this can help you feel more connected and fulfilled.
Finally, it's important to surround yourself with supportive and positive people who lift you up and help you feel good about yourself. Having a strong network of people who care about you and who you can rely on can be an important source of self-worth.
I don't have the perfect prescription for Chiron healing as it is a day-to-day process for me...but I do know that self-care gives me the opportunity to remind myself I'm worthy. And endless self-compassion. Here are some of my current practices as well as goals for myself:
Eat nourishing foods
Movement and exercise
Decline social events I don't feel like attending
Seeing my acupuncturist and therapist
Writing in my journal daily
Catching myself when saying sorry
Ask for help
Meditate twice a day
Listen to my favorite music
Share more of my unique wisdom with the world
Practice letting go of people and situations where my needs can't be met
The tricky part of our wounds is that we can also project our unworthiness onto situations, even places where we are being loved. Self-worth is an important concept that can have a significant impact on your overall well-being and happiness. It refers to the value and respects you have for yourself, and it is a crucial aspect of your personal identity.
One way to build and maintain a healthy sense of self-worth is by practicing self-compassion. This means being kind and understanding towards yourself, especially in times of failure or challenges. It also involves acknowledging and accepting your own flaws and mistakes, rather than beating yourself up for them.
Overall, building a strong sense of self-worth is an ongoing process that requires self-reflection, self-compassion, and a commitment to personal growth and development. It's a life long journey, but being willing to step back and find our own definition of worth can be a revolutionary act of worth.